I woke up this morning feeling pretty good -- no cramps, had a good night's sleep. I headed into work after my normal morning routine and thought I'd be able to make it through today. And then I got punched in the stomach by the sadness and grief of losing our spring baby. No one thing in particular set me off; I am just overwhelmed with sadness this morning.
And so I write to try to release some of the anger and pain. I told my sister last night that I was growing tired of re-telling the story. I am sharing with you, instead, an email I sent to my good friend, Erin. I didn't realize it until I scanned my message to her that I kinda had all of those important dates and details that I want in one little package.
Mike and I found out on August 24th that we were expecting, and exactly one week later we found out that we had miscarried. I am SOOOO happy to know that I was pregnant, but it is so heartbreaking to go through a miscarriage. We had no idea we were pregnant because I had what I thought was a normal period in early August, but I went in to the OBGYN on the 21st after spotting for three weeks after my "period". They sent me home with little to no concern and said they'd test my thyroid to make sure it was normal.
So the nurse calls on the 24th to tell me that my thyroid is normal but that my HcG levels are at 462. Any HcG level = pregnant. Ummm....okay. I was shocked, to say the least, because I thought I had a normal period at the beginning of August, and since I was spotting Mike and I hadn't been active. I went back on the 27th to test my level again, and it rose at the normal rate (was up to 2011). So I was set up with an OB appointment for the 11th, and Mike and I went out and celebrated. We had dinner and bought our spring baby some things. I started to put some things together -- like the fatigue I was feeling was apparently NOT a result of the medicine I was on. Other than that, I really didn't have other symptoms -- no tender breasts, no nausea, no aversions to smells, etc. We were hesitantly optimistic -- I continued to bleed, and even though they said some women do and not to worry as long as it was just spotting and not associated with any major cramping, I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right.
This past Thursday night, I had some major cramping and a short gush of bright red blood. I went back in on Friday for an ultra sound, and when the tech showed my uterus, I knew what I was looking at. It was empty. On the bright side, the photos of my fallopian tubes and ovaries look clean. I have a few simple cysts in my left side, but he said that's a normal part of the ovulation process. He took my blood while I was there to be sure my HcG levels were dropping - basically to confirm the miscarriage. This morning, my doc called to tell me that my levels did come down to 1595. But they need to be at 0 for the miscarriage to be complete, and he said it is slower than he expected. I don't have any idea what that means for the next few days -- I experienced some seriously painful uterine contractions on Saturday afternoon, but I fear there is more to come.
I am at work, but boy, my fuze is short! Yikes. I'm tired, sore, and agitated. Little things set me off -- like calling Parking Services at work to request preferred parking for this week as a result of a health issue. I didn't really want to tell the parking girl about my miscarriage, and she gave me attitude. So then I sat at my desk and cried for 15 minutes. Got my shit together and got back to work. In the end, Employee Health gave me a form to fill out and said I don't need to put any details down -- my physician just needs to sign it. Damn right!
Anyway -- the treatment plan is basically this: rest, no sex, lots of fluids. Because I was about 7 weeks along, no surgery required as long as my levels come down. I did have some cramping on just the left side over the weekend, so he is concerned about that. Hopefully it's nothing serious and just part of the process.
I think it's hard to keep telling the story because it's confusing for people to catch up with you as you say "we had a miscarriage." It's like seeing all of the feelings we experienced in fast forward. Most are confused at first; then realize that if we are miscarrying we were pregnant and have a moment or two of joy and surprise; and then what I am telling them sinks in and that joy is followed by sadness. It's really exactly the way Mike and I experienced this -- total confusion when the nurse said to me, "Honey, you're pregnant." We experienced joy and were elated to think about bring a baby home next April. And now we we just weather this storm called miscarriage.
The best part, if there is one, about this whole thing is that we got to have that genuine surprise! I had no idea I was pregnant. In fact, I wrote a post here on August 12th about our struggles to conceive. I was pregnant when I wrote that post. When the nurse called to tell me about my HcG levels, it was a total shock. I sat in my office at work freaking out for a good five minutes before I could even find the words to tell Mike to call me. I am trying so hard to focus on that initial joy and elation.
Time heals all, but the physical discomfort of a miscarriage makes it so hard to begin to heal emotionally. I think there is more to come for me as far as the cramping and bleeding goes, but I can't be sure. Every time I use the restroom, it's a little reminder of our pain. I look forward to being relieved of the physical symptoms so I can really begin to heal emotionally.
